


you’re home

by ordanary



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Comfort, Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Established Relationship, Homesickness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tour Fic, hot cow juice™️
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 09:22:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15771237
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ordanary/pseuds/ordanary
Summary: They’re halfway through the tour and Dan’s feeling homesick and guilty, so Phil reminds him that home is a feeling, not a place.





	you’re home

**Author's Note:**

> I crave physical and emotional comfort all the time so I’m now projecting it into my work because fuck you. Hope you enjoy <3

The tour was a blessing, really. Dan couldn’t ask for a more enthusiastic audience, a lovelier crew, or a more wonderful partner to experience it all with. He remembered after The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire thinking for sure that he’d never do a live stage show ever again. He didn’t like the tour bus, he didn’t like moving from hotel to hotel each night, and he didn’t like being away from the London flat. But now, months after their new tour had began and well into the American dates, he couldn’t imagine why he would've thought that. 

Sure, the bus bunks were small and a bit crampy, but that just made it all the more fun when he and Phil decided that they’d had enough personal space and smooshed up against each other in the small cubicle, falling asleep while practically on top of one another. 

And maybe the hotels could be a bit much, or a bit too little, but it was a new experience each time, exploring new rooms with new beds, and believe it, when they were actually in the privacy of their own hotel rooms, they really did explore those new beds. 

There was always the issue of missing home, missing London and their friends and their family, but to a certain extent, home was just wherever the other person was. Friends and family came to shows when they could, a few weeks in between were spent back in their flat, and homesickness could most often be cured by a few cuddles on the couch and a round of Mario Kart. 

So all in all, Dan was really enjoying the tour. He was enjoying the new experiences that he got to share with Phil, and the new connection they were making with their audience, one that they didn’t know was possible to make in the first place. 

Up until now, he couldn’t even remember why he’d sworn he wouldn’t do another stage show– and then it hit him. It was the night after one of their shows, and as Dan was lying in his top bunk alone, nothing to keep him company save for the slow breathing of everyone around him and the soft snores coming from his lover on the bunk below him. He’d been thinking that whole day about how much he’d kill to be able to go home and have just one lazy day where he could sit in his sofa crease with Phil by his side, doing nothing but drinking coffee and watching anime in the comfort of their own home. He just wanted a break from the responsibility and expectations of being Daniel Howell, on tour with his best friend AmazingPhil. 

His dilemma, however, was that this made him feel terribly guilty. 

He was supposed to be excited, and ready to perform and give the people what they want. That was the entire tour’s slogan, after all. But instead he was left feeling empty and exhausted. He loved going up on stage with Phil each night, but it was just suddenly too much. 

He’d spent most of the night worrying away, because he knew that Phil was a good creator who didn’t have to worry about a lack of content motivation or something as stupid as being homesick when they’d already done this once before. He was more than likely completely alone in his feelings, and that just made him feel like shit. 

The next day they didn’t have a show, but instead a day in between the next one where they could do whatever they wanted. A lot of the crew would probably be opting to go out and tour the city or find something outside to occupy themselves, but Dan didn’t want to step outside of the bus at all. He didn’t even care if Phil wanted to go out and take a walk, he wasn’t going to budge from his bunk if he got his way. 

Dan managed to ’sleep’ in quite a while, listening to almost everyone eventually leave before he was rudely brought to reality by a curious Phil opening the blackout curtain a bit and peeking his head over the side of his bunk.

“What do you want?” Dan grumbled, pulling his comforter up higher to cover his mouth and nose, saving Phil from smelling his probably foul morning breath. 

Phil raised an eyebrow and lifted his hand up to wrap a strand of Dan’s curly hair around his finger before releasing it.

“Good morning to you, too, grumpy.”

Dan glared pointedly at Phil. “I was sleeping, you idiot.” 

“No you weren’t, you’ve been moving around too much up here to be asleep.” Dan found it only slightly concerning that Phil knew his sleep patterns well enough to discern whether he was in fact asleep or not. Mostly endearing, though. “Do you want coffee and breakfast?” He asked. 

Dan found himself blinking slowly like a sleepy cat. No, he really didn’t want coffee and breakfast. He wanted to lay in his bunk until he absolutely had to get up, and Phil wasn’t gonna change that. 

He shrugged, still lying down in his cocoon of blankets. “Not really. Go eat breakfast without me, I think I’m gonna stay in bed a while longer.”

Phil frowned, moving his hand down slightly to press against Dan’s forehead for a few moments, presumably to check if Dan was running a fever. He clearly wasn’t, because Phil’s frown reached his forehead when he moved his fingers back to Dan’s hair. 

“Are you feeling depressed at all?” He asked, concern laced with the deep tone of his morning voice. “Do you want me to get you anything?” 

Phil was always so wonderful to Dan. Whenever he was feeling down, he’d always be there to wait out the storm with him. Whenever he was having one of those pleasant existential crises, Phil was always around to lay on the floor with him and remind him about the lovely certainty of their future together. But Phil didn’t understand what was happening now, and that was okay. 

“No, no. I’m just tired, I promise, okay?” Dan assured his boyfriend, bringing his hand up to lace his fingers with Phil’s. “I’ll be fine. Now go make yourself some coffee.”

Phil smiled a bit, squeezing Dan’s hand gently before letting go. “Okay. Holler if you need me, yeah?”

Dan nodded and then Phil was moving down the narrow bus to the fridge, and then no doubt to the coffee machine to get a dose of caffeine that Dan should probably have been drinking, too. 

—

“Dan, do you know where the switch is?” Phil asked from his spot by the suitcases. 

Shortly after eleven, Dan had found the motivation to get his ass out of bed and drink some coffee, otherwise he’d feared his headache might’ve just torn him apart. He wasn’t even sure if the sudden pain in his temples was due to caffeine withdrawal, dehydration or starvation, or just plain old lack of sleep, but it was killing him two hours later without any break. 

Regardless of how many coffees he drank or how many bowls of cereal he slowly ate, the pounding in his head didn’t seem to want to subside in the least bit. God, he just wanted to go back to sleep and have a fucking break. He just wanted to go home. 

Catching himself thinking this made him of course feel nothing but guilt again, the urge to fold up in his own bed with his own pillow was so overwhelming, he wished he’d been smart like Phil and brought something like his pillow with them on tour. Regardless, he knew that wouldn’t do much anyway. It wasn’t even so much the physical things he was missing, just the lack of expectations. 

“Dan?” Phil called again.

“I don’t know,” answered Dan as he leaned stiffly over one of the one-seat tables in the large bus. 

A few minutes more of rustling passed, the irritating noise making Dan want to rip his ears out. 

“Weren’t you playing on it a few days ago?” 

Dan clenched his jaw, keeping his eyes glued straight ahead at the wall before him. “I said I don’t fucking know,” he answered sternly, his tone portraying nothing but hostility. 

He regretted the way it came out the very second it did. He didn’t want Phil to think he was mad at him, but he was just so fucking done with every little sound and question being thrown at him today. Even the sound of breathing between verses in the songs he’d tried listening to earlier had made him angry. 

Dan soon heard footsteps approach him as Phil made his way closer to Dan’s spot. He knew he was either in for a yelling match or an interrogation, and he really wasn’t up for either of those things at the moment. 

“Dan,” Phil said tightly as he stood in front of the small table with his arms crossed over his chest. “Are you okay?”

Dan huffed. “I’m fine–“

“Don’t give me bullshit, okay? You’re obviously not okay if every little thing I do is pissing you off. Tell me, did I do something wrong?” 

“You didn’t do anything wrong, I’m just– it’s nothing. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Phil sighed, pushing a pale hand through his raven hair. “Come sit on the sofa with me,” he said. It was more of a command than a question. 

Dan shook his head, chancing a glance up at Phil before returning his eyes to the wall. “I don’t wanna watch TV.”

“Neither do I,” Phil spoke frustratedly as he gripped tightly at the fabric of Dan’s too warm jumper, tugging gently a few times in an attempt to make Dan stand up. “I wanna talk, okay?”

Phil was now using his soft voice, the one he used when Dan was feeling upset or when he needed to break something to him gently. He knew that Dan was a sucker for that voice, and Dan knew that he was going to go sit on the couch with him, now that he’d used it. 

He stood to his feet, still a bit fed up with the situation but nevertheless following Phil to the sofa-bench on the other side of the bus. They sat down side by side on the too hard piece of furniture, Dan pressed against the corner while Phil sat less than a foot away, facing him. 

“What’s going on in your head?” Asked Phil gently, still using that calming voice that could practically make Dan do anything. 

“Dunno, I’m just . . . You’ll think it’s stupid.” Dan wasn’t all too fond of the way his voice became small as he finished his sentence, but his point was still true. 

The aforementioned frowned again, sliding his hand across the material of the sofa and resting it on top of Dan’s own. “You know I won’t. I don’t think anything about you is stupid.”

Dan wanted to cry, because yeah, deep down he really did know that Phil wouldn’t judge him for having emotions and feeling a certain way, and that just made him even more emotional. How he’d lucked out so much with Phil, he wasn’t sure. 

“I’m homesick.”

Dan watched as Phil furrowed his eyebrows in what he assumed was confusion. It made sense, Phil being confused. Dan had been so excited and enthusiastic about their show not two days ago, and now he was missing the flat?

“You miss London?” Phil asked gently, rubbing his thumb in circles over the back of Dan’s hand. 

He frowned, shaking his head a bit. “No, I don’t miss London so much as I miss not having any responsibilities. I miss being able to relax, Phil.”

“Are you . . . Are you sick of the tour? Is that what you’re saying?”

Dan’s eyes widened as he shook his head faster. “No! I just– I love the tour, you know I do. I love being able to go out on stage and perform for all those people, but I’m so tired.” He scooted closer to Phil on the sofa-bench. “I want to give the people what they want, but I’m also just really exhausted from having to do this without a break, y’know?”

With his headache still pounding religiously at his skull, Dan wanted to close his eyes and collapse against Phil’s side. He’d just told him how he was feeling, the emission making him feel spent, which was surprising, considering the little amount of effort it’d taken compared to some of the other secrets Phil had pried out of him in the past. 

Phil pulled Dan into a tight hug, rubbing circles into his back as Dan wrapped his heavy arms around him too. They rested their heads against each other’s, doing no talking as they breathed in one another’s comforting scent. Phil was Dan’s home, and Dan was his. 

“That’s okay, Dan. I miss being able to laze around, too,” Phil mumbled into Dan’s tense shoulder. “But we can do that today. The crew is out until later, and we don’t have another show until tomorrow night. You don’t have to worry about this right now, alright?”

Dan nodded silently. 

“Can you do something for me right now?” Phil asked quietly, pulling away to look Dan in the eyes.

“Yeah.”

“Go change back into a comfy pair of pyjamas and meet me in my bunk, yeah? I’ve gotta do something really quickly but I’ll be there in a minute,” Phil asked of him softly. 

Dan nodded and complied easily without any hint of a protest. If his boyfriend’s plans involved pjs then he certainly wasn’t going to complain. Digging through his overflowing suitcase until he unearthed his favourite oversized t-shirt, the space cat one he’d bought from the NASA gift shop, he then slipped it over his head and let the white fabric drape from his shoulders, having already discarded his uncomfy daytime clothes on the ground beside Phil’s curtained bunk. He’d pick those up later. 

Slipping under the covers was the best feeling in the world, the comforting weight of Phil’s blankets over top of his tired body and the familiar scent of Phil on his stupid green and blue pillow. Dan could imagine drowning in that scent right about now. 

He didn’t even realize he was beginning to drift off into unconsciousness until he felt a warm hand nudging gently at his side and a calming voice requesting he sit up so Phil could slide in behind him. Reopening his heavy eyelids and using every ounce of energy he still possessed to scoot forward on his bum, Dan then patted the empty space on the bed behind him, watching curiously as Phil settled himself in, placing his open laptop on Dan’s lap and something else on the bus floor. 

When Phil was completely settled, Dan moved a small bit backwards until his back was pressed firmly against his chest in a half sitting half lying down position. 

“What are we watching?” He asked, his finger poised on the mouse pad and ready to click either the Netflix or YouTube application at Phil’s command. 

“Pick any movie you want as long as it’s not too loud or scary. You need a nap,” Phil reminded him before pressing a barely there kiss to the back of Dan’s neck. 

After a few minutes of browsing, Dan finally decided on some quiet sounding romance movie, pressing play and watching with mild interest as the predictable plot began to unfold on the screen.

He felt Phil’s lazy movement from behind him, and then he was being handed a mug full of something hot and Phil’s hands were returning to rub at his sides. 

“Is this warm milk?” Inquired Dan with a quiet chuckle. 

“Yeah,” Phil answered defensively. “It’ll help you fall asleep.”

“Bullshit.”

“Hey! Drink your hot cow juice and go to bed!”

Dan cringed, elbowing his boyfriend with his free arm. “If you ever call milk ‘hot cow juice’ again I’m moving out,” he threatened playfully before taking a sip of said cow juice. 

Before long, Dan was done with the mug, placing it back down onto the floor beside the bunk before making himself comfortable again. He would never in a million years admit it to Phil, but the warm milk was beginning to make him feel quite sleepy, so much so that his head was starting to cloud and fill with hazy thoughts, his eyes managing only to stay open for a few seconds to see short movie clips before they were drifting shut again. 

Snuggling down into Phil’s welcoming warmth and and hoping that it didn’t fuck up the laptop’s positioning too much, Dan rested the side of his head on the older man’s shoulder and smiled lazily. He knew he wouldn’t be able to hold onto consciousness much longer, but he still wanted to use his last ounce to thank Phil just for being there, for understanding him so well no matter what. 

In his last coherent bubble of thoughts, he tried desperately to piece together a sentence that might express at least half of the gratitude he was feeling, but nothing seemed to stick long enough in his sleepy head to make any sense a few moments later. 

So instead, he moved his nearly limp hand to tangle with Phil’s own and squeezed tightly before letting it go lax again. “I love you,” he whispered, those three words seeming to be the only ones fit enough to equate to Dan’s lost ‘thank you’. 

What he’d wanted to say was something akin to a thank you for being a wonderful boyfriend, a great pillow, and for bringing him home– reminding him that the home that Dan was missing so badly was just a feeling, and one that came and went wherever Phil went. Phil was comfort, and Phil was home. No tour or audience or stage crew could change that in a billion years, and Dan fell asleep easily knowing this. 

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading !! Maybe reblog on tumblr (@ordanary) ?? As always, kudos and comments are really appreciated <3


End file.
